Watched Elisabeth Leonskaja play a recital last night. Comes to the piano, sits down and plays as one movement. Crazy, like she’s pulling out a gun, the Sundance Kid, shooting the trousers off the piano.

Context for this: a surrounding set of precedents; and nobody knows where she’s at, or what she’s in.

Look back forty years. My family circumstances: nobody tells me much more than what a plate’s for. I play cricket and play the trumpet. I bowl extremely fast, dangerously so. I love how that feels. I love how the trumpet feels in my hands. The middle notes like an animal I let run out around my wrists, or maybe smoke. I watch people smoke and get why they think it’s worth it.

My music teacher calls me aside. Tells me I should take this seriously. You have a talent. Fine, but what’s that? I am eleven. I listen to Jesus Christ Superstar, The Police, Chopin records from Poland and Mantovani because I have to. I watch cricket with my grandmother in her little room in the middle of nowhere, in her cottage in the mountains. A Sony portable TV run off a car battery.

I do the trumpet like it feels right; like the bowling. Five years after chat with music teacher I go from Friday night trumpet performance to adult cricket match next day, take nine wickets. Have no idea why the two things feel like I’m doing the same thing.

Fast forward to: I begin a psychoanalysis with Kleinian. Ultra-interested in interpreting how I keep falling asleep on the couch. Points out all resistance. Says nothing of me doing five or six jobs at the same time; and me thinking I can cope like that. Falling asleep all over the place: at home, lunch hours, on her couch. (Supine, low light, no eye contact, no need to respond: Adenosine, Noradrenaline, Histamine, Acetylcholine, Orexin, etc.)

Now, a thought I share with Frances Badelow and Louise Trodd when I am eight, one year before I end up in Moorfields Eye Hospital. Nobody knows why.

What if I try to include everything?

Context for this: complex relationship between a body’s internal physiological conditions, its perception of ongoing events, and its prediction of action to maintain homeostasis. Conditions: internal and external as continuous event (psychoanalysis is an event, so a movement), temporally complex, involving recollection and deferral. Deferred effect, deferred attempt. Deferred reaction.

Imagine this. In psychotherapy, transference provides conditions to work out where we are at. Or what we are in. Improvisations as wild as John Coltrane to inventively supplement unconscious predictions more than following by rote. New possibilities for consciousness. Learning from experience to include talent and effects of smoking.

At Moorfields the condition gets better. A doctor holds my hand and tells me what is wrong. He says my eyes are painful, and I cannot see, and it does not matter. He will see to it that I am looked after.