There are lots of ways to think about what we call transference. One simple way is this: it’s a kind of emotional persistence that can make us less attentive to what’s actually happening now.

Suppose I get into a relationship because it feels right. It feels powerful, convincing, even wonderful. That might mean I’m stepping into the best relationship of my life. But it might also mean I’m chasing a particular feeling I already know well. If that’s the case, the feeling itself starts determining a relationship. I may not slow down enough to really notice who this person is, how they relate, or where the difficulties might be. And the things I miss at the beginning are often the very things that matter later on.